Cristo está a mi lado

It was a long and exhausting day and we hadn't had worship with the older boys yet. I was so drained mentally and physically. As I'm sitting there trying to think about how I'm going to be able to make it through the rest of the night before bed Harold comes up to me and asks me a question. He asks, "How do you say te amo in English?" I then said to him, "I love you". He pauses, then smiles. He then says in English, "Father, I love you." How in the world did this happen? I look back on the time that I've been here and think to myself, wow, 6 weeks is a long time. But in only 6 weeks boys are calling me father and saying I love you. That is absolutely unbelievable to me. How did this happen? I keep asking myself that question all the time but in reality, I know the answer. Cristo está a mi lado. 

(Be prepared, this post is all over the place)

These past two weeks since I last wrote I feel like I have learned so much. Specifically about being a parent. I am going to be super honest and transparent here. One of the biggest struggles that I seem to have when being a houseparent is disciplining the kids. I hate it. I wish all of my conversations with them could be fun and we could laugh all the time. I hate being the person that has to tell them no. There is one kid in particular who I feel like I haven't really had a good conversation with and always have to get on to. I feel the most tension between him and me and I hate it so much. I try to talk to him but he is just disrespectful to me which makes me more frustrated and that gets us nowhere. Honestly, A lot of times I am tempted just to not spend as much time with him and spend time with the boys who I really enjoy being around/have already built a relationship with. It is more comfortable that way for me. Last Tuesday I was talking with my dad and I was telling him about how things were going and eventually started to talk to him about the one boy I didn't really feel like I was reaching and how I didn't like disciplining the kids. What he said to me was crazy impactful. It was something along the lines of, "For a kid to be the best person they can be, you have to break them down and then build them back up." My whole goal here is for them to be the best person that they can be achieving that goal means that I have to be uncomfortable and be "the bad guy" by disciplining them, then so be it. Break down what is stopping them from being the best person they can be and build up qualities that will help them. That was extremely encouraging to me. Then he said, "As for that other boy, get more uncomfortable and build that relationship. Give more when you don't feel like giving." Now that was a punch in the gut. I was literally living the most uncomfortable I had ever been and my dad was saying push yourself more. But he was absolutely right. Of course, I need to take care of myself, but I also need to give more when I don't feel like giving. That has been a big lesson that I've been learning this week. Also, I'd like to say that I instantly found success after talking to my dad and really started to get to know that boy, but it was a really rough week with him this past week. I just know that it will take time. 

This week a lot of the boys were asking if we could buy them things in town. Every day off that I have, the boys say can you buy me this or can you buy me that and honestly, it gets really frustrating. But one day the most incredible thing happened. One of the boys asked if they could work for something in town. Boom. Instantly Matthew and I said, "Uhhhhh yeah for sure!" Just like that, every single kid came up to us asking for work. Within a couple hours, we had a garden plowed, a firepit with benches, a cleaned-up pathway to our house, and more. Matthew and I wanted to give these kids things that they needed and wanted, but we also didn't want to spoil them. This was the perfect solution. Every single day we have the boys come up to us and ask, "What work can I do for some markers?" or whatever thing they wanted to buy. It gets to the point where Matthew and I don't have enough extra jobs for them to do to pay them. But it is a really great step in helping them realize that not everything can just be handed to them for free.

Recently I have been trying to teach the boys how to play guitar. There are two of them who are really excited to learn and will literally ask me to teach them every second of the day, even when I'm in the middle of kneading dough for supper while my hands are covered in flour. It can be frustrating at times, but it just makes me so excited that they are so eager to learn. They remind me a lot of myself in that regard. So I try and help them out whenever I can. One day I was helping Harold, one of the boys who LOVES guitar, with a song called Amor Sin Condición which is just the song Reckless Love in Spanish. We were practicing the strumming pattern over and over again and he just wasn't getting it. Eventually, it was time for supper and we had prayer. Immediately after prayer, he picks up the guitar and plays the strumming pattern perfectly. I was just so surprised and so was he. It had just like clicked in his brain or something. After that, he hugged me and said, "Thank you, Father!!" Just those little moments are what makes being here so worth it. I love it so much. 

One sabbath, there was a Pathfinder outing and either Matthew or I had to go with them while the other one stayed back with the four little ones who weren't in Pathfinders. I was the one that stayed back with the four little ones and we decided to go on a walk. The four little ones are named Otto, José, Jhoel, and Leonardo. These kids are just so adorable and when I only need to watch them it is a lot easier because they aren't getting picked on by the older boys. As we are walking along this trail,  I look behind me at the boys and I see them all just standing in a line talking and laughing and there was just a moment where I said to myself, "Despite how frustrating these little guys can be, I really am blessed to be apart of their lives. I love these boys." After I looked back ahead of me, a few moments later I heard a little pitter-patter of footsteps coming my way. It was Leonardo running towards me. He ran up to me and snatched my hand and just looked up at me with the greatest smile. Another little moment that just makes me love this place and these kids more and more.

I do have to say, that this week was definitely one of the roughest in the sense that I struggled a lot with comparison. From when I first got here, the kids were telling me about all their previous teachers and all the things that they did with them. It didn't really bother me too much at first. I knew going into this that they would say things like that. But this week they just really were comparing us to their last teacher. It peaked eventually I got to the point where I was like, why am I even here when all these kids want is their last teacher. Am I failing at the job that God has called me to do? I started getting into the bad headspace again of putting my identity and judgment of success in what the kids thought of me. It seems like a common struggle I go through week to week. But at that moment, I remembered back to one Friday night that really impacted me this week. 

It was time to start getting the house ready for Sabbath and Friday night worship. We were having all the kids do their chores and a little bit extra above and beyond because Matthew and I had something special planned. We were going to have a big dinner after worship which is hopefully something that we can do every Friday night. But as we were getting ready for that, one of the boys refused to do his chores. He was treating it like a game. Eventually, I got to the point where I got stern and threatened to take away his weekend movie. That's when he decided to do it. As he was doing his chore, I noticed that he seemed a little down. He wasn't mad at me because he still talked to me, he was just a little more sad. So we had worship and we had our dinner which was so amazing. It really was a high point in the week. After dinner, he says that we need to talk. So partially through a translator he basically asks, "Do you guys think that I am a good kid?" And Matthew and I said yes. He then says, "The person that you don't see is not good. I don't want you guys to see that side of me and think that I am a bad person." My heart was aching for this boy at this moment because he was just like me. He wants everyone to see that he is good and to think highly of him, even though there are parts of him that he doesn't want to show. That's been one of the biggest struggles of my life is accepting that I will make mistakes and not to worry about what other people will think about the parts of me that are not perfect. And that is what this boy is dealing with. I wish I could say I told him something that completely changed his way of thinking right there at that very moment, but it would be a little naive of me to think that he could change at that very moment. I told him my piece through a lot of prayer and he just said, "Thank you, teacher" and walked off. At least now I know a little more about him and that he truly cares about how we feel about him. 

Ok, I'm skipping ahead in time right now. This blog post is going to be a crazy conglomeration of many stories over about 4ish weeks. It has been a rollercoaster. As I write this section, it is currently two weeks later and A LOT has happened. Firstly, I got dengue fever which is basically a disease that attacks your bone marrow giving you aches and a constant fever for about a week. So basically I was bedridden with terrible aches all over my body and a fever that would only go down temporarily with Tylenol and cold showers. It was not fun. But throughout it all I did learn something. I feel like these past two weeks have been rougher for me because like I said earlier I have been struggling with comparison. Also, I feel like I am getting out of "The honeymoon phase" if you can even call it that. The initial joy and excitement from arriving here has kinda started to fade away and I can tell. I was just always getting annoyed with the kids and longing for the time I got away from them. Really, it was terrible. I was no longer enjoying it. Sure I had some moments where I had fun and really got to connect with a kid, but nowhere near as much because I wasn't really searching for those moments. I wasn't trying to look for opportunities to reach the kids and get to know them better and I think that is because I was kinda done. I was running out of patience and started to take for granted the biggest blessing I had ever received. But let me tell you. About halfway through the first day, I was bedridden, I missed the kids so much. One day one of them came into my room to visit me and he just knelt down by my bed and said, "Let's pray". I said absolutely. He just prayed with me right there for my sickness. I had neglected that. I neglected the little moments. How dare I forget that even though these kids can be tough sometimes, I'm here for them. I'm not just here to just make it by and do an alright job. So now I'm just going to remind myself every time that I take for granted what I have here that I'm here for these kids whether they like it or not. Just keep on loving. 

 Oh, also one night some of the Bolivian volunteers came over while I had dengue and asked if I wanted a freezing cold sheet. With a fever of 102, I said absolutely. So they came over but didn't just bring a sheet. They brought a couple of blankets and some Ice water. They put a mattress on the table and basically said they were going to wrap me like a burrito. So I laid down on the cold sheet and they wrapped me in that. Through blanket after blanket, they wrapped me again until I was in a tight cold burrito. It was actually quite nice. Then it started to get hotter and hotter until I started to sweat. All throughout they were soaking cloth in ice water and laying it on my head. This went on for about 30 minutes until it was finally over and they finished by washing me down with cold water and a rag. It was a very interesting hot-cold treatment. During the time I was wrapped in a burrito, some of the boys were talking to the other Bolivian volunteers about me. Honestly, I couldn't understand most of what they were saying. My brain just wasn't feeling up to thinking in Spanish while I was sick, but I do remember one thing. They were saying how much they appreciated that I always said hi to them and asked them how they were doing. Little things go a long way. I'm sure most people reading this know how to say, "Hola, como estas?" I just couldn't believe that they really noticed that and that it made an impact on them. It was extremely rewarding to see that they notice those things because it shows them that I really care about them and I want them so badly to know how much I care. 

Now that I've gotten better, I have just been trying to regain my strength back. I can't let the little ones climb on me as much and can't wrestle with the older boys. But going back to house-parenting was just so amazing. I didn't realize how much I missed it and I was at a point where I didn't think I would miss it. 

Another struggle that I have been going through is my devotional life. I feel like every time I open my Bible in the mornings before the kids are awake, all I can think about is them. All I can think about is what am I going to make for breakfast, what are we going to do with the kids today, how can I build this kid up, what relationship do I need to work on, what can I do today to show them a little more Jesus. Those are all great things to think about, it is just I can't focus on my personal devotional time with God. This is a very recent struggle of mine so I haven't completely come up with a solution yet. But after talking with a friend, I feel like I can just take all those things to God first thing in the morning. Basically dedicate that time with God to inviting him to be with me in my thoughts towards the kids and my day. After my time off while they are at school, I could go back to God and see if he has anything more for me. Who knows how that will work out. I'm just trying to get back on track with God and figure out my relationship with Him as I go. 

This week, the boys wanted to go on a mission: To find and bring home a bigger wasp nest than anyone on campus. Apparently, they have this "competition" with Hermano Juan, a Bolivian houseparent on campus, for who can get the biggest wasp nest. The boys said, "Teacher Juan always comes to us and brags about his wasp nest. We want to get a bigger one." So apparently they had already found one while I was sick and chopped down a tree to get it down. So all that was left was to get the nest. The boys brought bug spray, an egg carton it use for smoke, and a machete. Thankfully there weren't many wasps there so they finished collecting the nest in about 20 minutes. We then brought it back and they showed it to teacher Juan. Let me tell you, it was something else to see all of the boys of the leones house and Teacher Juan in complete admiration of the size of the nest, almost like immense respect. Anyway, I thought that was just a highlight of the week. The boys hung it up in our attic like a trophy and quickly realized they didn't want it anymore as worms started to inhabit it. 

Again, it is now a week or two later since I last updated this post. I seem to just keep running out of time for this post and it just keeps getting longer and longer (sorry). So much has happened. The connection that I've been making with the boys has just been so amazing ever since I last wrote. On one of my days off, I remember walking past the school to go out the gate of Familia Feliz and I just look over at the school and see two of my boys running towards me. They get closer and closer until they meet me and almost tackle me to the ground giving me a hug and saying, "Goodbye Father". At that moment I just paused and reflected for a second. My heart was just so full with the love that I have for these boys and it was such an amazing moment. But after that I started thinking to myself, "How can I leave this? How can I possibly leave this mission that God has for me? How can I leave my boys?" I seem to have thought every once and a while, but I just push it out of my mind. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. There are a whole lot more things to focus on right now as so many changes are going to be happening in Familia Feliz.

This past week we got the news that the directors who are here right now will be leaving Familia Feliz next semester in January and we will be trying to get new directors as well as a new school system with a new principal and teachers. So basically it gives us a crazy opportunity to create a different and possibly better way to run campus. It is just a lot of change and we will be the only SM group to experience the old FF and be a part of the transition to the new one. Obviously, it's kind of terrifying to be going through so many changes, but our group who is here at this very moment can play such a big role in helping create a new and hopefully improved familia feliz. All of my fellow SMs are ready to take on this opportunity and have faith that God is doing some big things right now. It just gets me so excited that God has chosen me to be here at Familia Feliz at this very moment amid transition and I just can't wait to see how God uses me here. There is a lot more that I could talk about with this, but I might save that for another post. This one is already like, 3 in one or something like that. I did however receive some more news that was not the best. I was told that two of my boys would be leaving the second semester to go to an orphanage because of a case settled with social services. Kinda a longish story I don't really want to get into, but that news sucked. These two brothers have been the first ones I got to know when I got here and have made such a big impact on my time here and I've been here for just two months. I was talking earlier about how am I going to leave this place, but I didn't think about the fact that some of my boys would be leaving Familia Feliz, especially so soon. I can try and try to explain in words how much I truly love these boys, but I can't. I fail to describe the unconditional love I have for them. But I hope you can kind of understand that that was probably some of the hardest news I've ever heard in my life. It is tough for me to live in the moment when I know that some of the boys I care about so much will no longer be under my care. I know that I love them unconditionally, but what will happen when they end up in a place where they aren't as loved? Who will be the person that builds them up to be the best person that they can be? It's like having your own child ripped out of your arms and given over to the care of someone else who you know nothing about. But what makes it worse, is there is nothing I can do about it. The case is settled. There is literally nothing I can do in my own power to keep them here. That is the worst part. I feel completely helpless because I have no control. I try to push it out of my mind, but the news just keeps showing up every once in a while. Thoughts of whether or not I'll ever be able to see them again cross my mind as well. They will no longer be able to be in the care of future SMs, but people I've never met in my life. 

One night, I called my dad and told him about this situation. He didn't say it exactly like this, but basically, he said that it is selfish to think that what is best for them is to be with you. You don't know what God's plan is. That changes everything. Maybe I don't NEED to have control of the situation. Why would I think that I need to control this situation when the whole time, God has a plan for my boys? I love them with an indescribable love, but how much more does God love my boys? It can't even be measured. Again I come to the conclusion that the most powerful thing that I can do is to give up control and surrender to God. I find that it is just a whole lot harder for me to surrender the future of someone I care so much about than to surrender my own life to God. However, It doesn't change the fact that I will miss them so much. 

I have so much more that I could talk about, but I think I'm going to close this post out with lyrics from a song that we sang one night for worship called "Cristo está a mi lado" and I'll put them in English. Despite everything that is going on with the changes in my Familia Feliz, the struggles I have with my boys and comparison, and with my two boys leaving next semester, I am reminded in this song that Christ is by my side and I'm NEVER alone.

I often wonder: why does he love me?

So many times I failed, yet he loves me.

When I am discouraged and when everything goes wrong,

Christ comes to my side and gives me his peace

Christ is by my side; he will never leave me.

No one can love me like my Jesus.

Every day I look around and I can see evidence 

of a love without equal that will never fail. 

His word reveals to me miracles of great power; 

and of all the greatest is his love for me

Christ is by my side; he will never leave me.

No one can love me like my Jesus.

Leonardo and I on the walk we went on

with the little ones

Leonardo decided to go bald

Leonardo wearing my hat

A tour we went on for our day off

Some mossy canyons we walked through for our tour

Leonardo wearing his shirt in a goofy way

The prized wasp nest

The "Burrito" treatment for my dengue

I don't really know what he was doing here.

 All of our little ones just decided to dress up in

trash bags I guess.

Jhoel and José looking pretty cool for school

A pool we went to for out day off that overlooked Rurre

Harold got a hold of my hat

I know that I said in my last post that

I would have less photos of Leonardo,

but for some reason I just always seems to be doing

something photo worthy.

More day-off photos at a different pool

Amazing view

Harol and I ready to head off to a Pathfinder event.

Me and the little ones on our walk

Teacher Justin being swarmed by

a ton of little kids

Blue just chilling on Harol's shoulder

Ernesto and his younger brother Salim with my hat

The boys working to make a garden

Harol ready to practice guitar

All of the boys asking for work

Our weekly Friday night feast

I held a tarantula and it was the scariest moment of my time

here. But now I can say I held a tarantula

in Bolivia which is cool I guess.